Trump Signs Executive Orders on Recession, Bill Belichick

By newadmin / Published on Sunday, 04 May 2025 04:58 AM / No Comments / 141 views

President wields his authority to take on pet issues like shortening the word ‘recession’ to ‘recess’

Saturday Night Live‘s Donald Trump signed a host of new executive orders about pet issues like The New York Times‘ Connection word game and baby boomer Bill Belichick’s relationship with a woman born during the George W. Bush administration.

Trump (James Austin Johnson), who signed more executive orders in his first 100 days than any other president in modern history, was first handed one by ghoulish aide Stephen Miller (Mikey Day) about “bringing back” Columbus Day–even though it has been on the books since 1937.

Next up: limiting the number of interracial couples in television commercials.

“It’s just too many, right?” Trump said. “He’s wearing loafers. She’s wearing tight braids. You’re like, ‘Where’d they meet? What do they even talk about?’ It’s insane.”

The president then gave his signature to a declaration that it’s now socially acceptable for a 70-year-old to date a 24-year-old.

“We’re calling it the Belichick Law,” Trump announced.

Other executive orders included forbidding Hispanic babies from getting their ears pierced–so that “grown, white American tweens” don’t have to wait in long lines, Trump explained–and making Connections easier.

“And it’s about time!” Trump said. “You know the purple one? It’s like, ‘Units of measurement plus the letter Q,’ or, ‘Types of beans minus the concept of love.’”

Another order was outlawing ghosts–a move spurred by Trump being visited by the three spirits from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carrol.

The final order related to the dour economic picture: shorten the word “recession” to “recess.”

“Fun, right?” Trump said. “America, get ready for a historically long recess!”